There could be dozens of those strategies, behaviors and attitudes that you think are your personality (ego syntonic), but that are just a protective strategy you developed at some point to avoid pain and suffering but that actually creates pain in your life. Go after them and start to question them out. Is that who you really are?

Throughout life and specially during early development we are constantly learning how to deal with this world, relationships and ourselves. And we learn the hard way, through making mistakes and trying to avoid pain. Like all other beings in this planet all we want is to be happy and survive.

We all have developed strategies to deal with the challenges of life, from learning to go to the toilet to saving money for the next trip. Some of those strategies are highly effective and some not so much. Some people learned not to ask for what they want so they don’t experience rejection; others learned to use indirect ways to achieve their goals. Some learned to give up even before trying to avoid failure, others decided that they will stop only when they succeed. The fact is that in both cases those strategies are not necessarily reaching the greater goal of being happy and living a meaningful life. Over achieving can be as painful as not achieving anything. Not asking can be as painful as not receiving freely.

We all know those behaviors that insist to exist even though they create more suffering than happiness. The first step to change is mapping them out. If we don’t see them, there is nothing to be done.

Ego Syntonic

This are all kinds of behaviors and attitudes that are in sintony of who I think I am. They are not in conflict with my identity whether they are beneficial or not.

Ego Dystonic

This are all kinds of behaviors and attitudes that I don’t consider to be part of myself. They are in disharmony with my sense of self.

The path to change involves turning ego syntonic unhealthy behaviors into ego dystonic ones. In other words: removing and dis-identifying with all the rubbish that it is not who you really are.

There could be dozens of those strategies, behaviors and attitudes that you think are your personality (ego syntonic), but that are just a protective strategy you developed at some point to avoid pain and suffering but that actually creates pain in your life. Go after them and start to question them out. Is that who you really are?

To help you I put together a document with 10 behaviors and attitudes that are just a protective strategy. I hope you enjoy it!
Click the image below to download it.